the choice is yours

I don’t believe for a moment that six months ago any of you were just hoping that a virus would spread around the world creating a pandemic. Yet, here we are. You can respond with calmness and kindness or anger and fear – the choice is yours to make.

 

Beyond Our Control

 

Although our current world situation may be one of the most significant events of our lifetime, many things happen during our lifetime where we have little or no control over the event. If you think back over the years, you can probably identify countless times you encountered things in life where you didn’t control what was happening.

 

A simple example of events we can’t control is traffic. Perhaps you checked traffic before you left for a meeting and the maps showed “green” along your path. After you venture out, an accident occurs ahead of you on the highway and suddenly all the traffic stops. Now, you are in a situation where you are likely going to be late for your meeting. Still, you have a choice in how you react.

 

Within Our Control

 

In this situation, you can choose to calmly wait while trying to move to the right lane so that you can exit the highway. Then when in a safe location you can find another route and alert the party you are meeting that you will be late due to traffic. On the other hand, you can choose to get angry, yell at other drivers, honk, and attempt to move ahead. The first case is a rational response and gets you to your meeting with less stress. The second reaction only adds more stress.

 

Initial Reaction

 

Sometimes something happens so quickly and catches us in a vulnerable state. In these cases, most people simply react with emotion as they attempt to process the situation. However, after the initial reaction, they still have the opportunity to step back and respond to the situation in a calm manner.

 

The amount of time between the initial reaction and a more calm response normally ranges from a few second to days depending on the severity of the situation. For instance, if you learn that you didn’t get the promotion that you were sure was coming your way, it would be natural if you were upset, angry, or frustrated. However, if you are still angry about the loss of the promotion a year later, you are choosing to continue your reaction.

 

Choice

 

In this example, once you get over the initial shock of the thing that has disrupted your life or your plans, you get to choose your next steps. You can choose to be angry for an eternity or you can take actions that may help you in getting a promotion the next time.

 

Again, the latter results in less stress and getting you where you want to be while continuing to react keeps you stuck.

 

Action

 

Sometimes yelling at someone and expressing your emotion will get you what you want in life. However, that is generally not the case. And, it always comes with additional stress and drain on your mental and physical health. Remember . . . the choice is yours!

 

If you or someone you know struggles with long-term emotional reactions, life coaching or other energy work may assist in you in responding in a more productive manner.

 

 

Words Matter

People often view their words as harmless. In their mind, stories they tell about themselves and others are simply truths, fun, or humor. The issue is that words matter because the stories a person tells contributes to creating the future.

 

Self-Talk

 

The stories that people tell about themselves sets expectations, at least subconsciously, for the future. If you talk about your marriage failing, you are setting yourself on a path to divorce. Likewise, if you talk about losing your job, you are energizing the prospect of getting laid off or fired.

 

Thus, it is very important to avoid negative self-talk. If a person sees himself or herself as successful, they are likely with hard work to be successful. However, if the person sees himself or herself as failing, the person will have little chance of success. Since the person is expressing a negative outcome, it will impact the actions they take, their interactions with people, and the opportunities the universe brings them.

 

Other People

 

When this talk extends to other people, the person making the statement is putting their expectations and beliefs on the other person. That person may react with rebellion and fight back against those beliefs. However, they also may take on those beliefs as their own. When those beliefs include positive actions and outcomes, taking those beliefs on isn’t such a bad thing. However, when those beliefs and statements are limiting, it can be very bad.

 

Children

 

Negative statements are especially difficult on children. They hear these statements and they can be significantly impacted psychologically and emotionally. The same is true for adults. Yet, children are more vulnerable. If the statements are made by a parent, teacher, or other trusted person, the words can have a greater impact possibly scarring a child for life.

 

One of the recent trends is memes about the awful home schooling experience.  Multiple memes focus on the idea that because kids are now doing remote school work, the parents finally understand it is their children that are the root of the problem and not the teachers. Meanwhile, others indicate the parents need to start drinking early in the morning or can’t handle their children. When I pointed out to someone that I felt these memes could have negative consequences, they said, “Oh, it is just for fun.”

 

Is It Really Humor?

 

Of course, it begs the question, “Is it really humor?” If a parent or teacher feels compelled to post or like a meme about home schooling being awful, they should look inside and explore their motivation. What about it do they see as humorous. It says more about the adult than the child.

 

The fact of the matter is that whether it is for fun or not, it is still creating a reality. Consciously, the person may think it is fun, but their subconscious can’t  separate just for fun from it being actually true. In addition, consider if the person’s child sees the meme. If that child is in a vulnerable state, they may assume the parent and the teachers find them difficult or do not like them even if that was not the intent. To a child words matter more than adults can understand.

 

Power of Positive Talk

 

Whether a person talks to himself or herself, talks to or about someone else, or simply posts words in jest, the words matter. Thus, it seems logical to choose positive words that would bring good things into everyone’s lives. If we focus on positive words and images, we give those things energy. Thus, they can grow and blossom.

 

How We Can Help

 

If you struggle with negative self-talk or the effects of statements made to you throughout your life, consider some coaching or other energetic mind and body healing.

 

 

 

focus your energy on what is most important

Life is busy and it may have been some time since you have asked yourself where you regularly focus your energy. Perhaps, this is a question that you have never asked yourself. Still, it is a very important question, especially in light of the current world situation.

 

The World Situation

 

You may be focused solely on getting through the coming weeks as we live through the most significant pandemic of our lifetimes. It is natural to flip into survival mode when your way of life is threatened.

 

It is normal to be concerned about health, loved ones, jobs, finances, food, and even toilet paper. However, there has to be prioritization and the appropriate level of concern. Toilet paper is not nearly as important as having a roof over your head and being healthy. It is definitely not something that requires you to buy every package you can find.

 

Maintaining Balance

 

Balance is critical. It will be much easier to take a balanced approach to life if you limit your focus on COVID-19 information. It is important to stay up to date on the government rules, but too much news is not healthy.

 

If you find yourself listening to lots of news commentary or you are constantly checking the coronavirus numbers (and you aren’t a government or medical statistician), you may be focusing too much on the current situation.

 

It is especially unhealthy to listen to the “political” views of the situation, which are not meant to inform anyone of facts, but are intended to stir your emotions and influence your political opinions. Anger and negativity are the last things you need in your life right now, as love and calmness are the feelings that lead us through the situation.

 

If you feel that you are really drawn to what is happening, look for volunteer opportunities to help others during this time. Alternately, focus on self-care, learning new skills, or activities that you enjoy.

 

Medical Workers

 

Now, if you are a medical worker, it may be impossible to maintain balance in the short-term as your focus is on your work. This is understandable as you are working long hours and focusing on saving lives. It is important to relax and meditate as best you can. Once things slow down, you need to make sure and take time for yourself to heal, not from the virus, but from the stress.

 

Front Line Workers

 

Similarly, if you are a front line worker, you may be feeling a lot of stress as you work to maintain your health while coming in contact with the public. It is key not to worry about your situation. Instead, take the actions (e.g. masks, hand washing) that you can take to maintain your health.

 

No matter what your situation is, it is important to choose action over worry. Even if you are temporarily out of work, there are actions that you can take. Start by checking into unemployment, looking for temporary work, and checking into government programs. You may also consider free online training that will help you enhance your job opportunities in the future.

 

Action Over Worry

 

No cases exist where worry or complaining to a friend will add value to your life. Granted, you may need to unload occasionally. That is fine. However, if worry and complaint are the topic of every conversation, there are better areas of focus. Instead, engage your friends and/or family in brainstorming options, research possibilities, and don’t be afraid to reach out to someone who may be able to assist you.

 

Acting won’t completely eliminate worry, but it will lessen it and you may even find a solution!

 

Self-Care

 

Most people don’t get enough self-care under normal circumstances. Given the current situation, everyone needs extra self-care. You may want to consider what you have done for yourself lately. You may want to read, spend some time on a hobby, or have an energy treatment. Focusing on one’s self is critical in order to keep a high vibration and stay healthy.

 

A focus on self-care allows you to be able to focus on, care for, and support your family, friends, and community.

 

Your Focus

 

Survey the last two weeks and determine where your focus has been. Have you had any focus on caring for yourself? Has your focus been primarily positive? Do you have plans to focus on positive things in the coming weeks?

 

The answers to these questions are more important than ever given the current world situation. Be very cautious on selecting where you focus your energy since what you focus on is often pulled into your life. Thus, a focus on love of self, family, friends, and community will pull more love and joy into your life.

 

 

 

 

So often people talk of change without really thinking about the effort they must make to create change. In many cases, the change they desire is simply wishful thinking. The person wants a job that pays more, a new relationship, to travel, or to spend more time with family. However, they simply want them without being willing to make an effort to bring those things into their lives.

 

In many cases, these goals are achievable. However, they will not magically happen without focus and effort.

 

Making Space

 

Generally, if you want to add or change something to your life, you have to have room for that person, activity, etc. It is very much like a shelf. If you have a shelf that is completely packed with items, you can’t add another item to the shelf without removing something. The same is true with life in general.

 

Making space can relate to making physical space, but it can also include making time, being emotionally open, and having a willingness to accept new ideas.

 

What Is Serving You

 

The first thing to do is to survey your life and determine which objects, activities, etc. are still serving you and which are not. For example, if you want a new relationship, you may want to survey your home for items related to an ex. It is also important to ensure that you have mental and emotional space for a new relationship. Ask yourself, “What am I holding onto that relates to my ex?” Follow it with the simple question, “Why am I holding onto it?”

 

Likewise, if you want to pursue a hobby, but don’t ever seem to have the time, look at where you are spending your time. Clearly, there are some things that have to be done, but many things are not required. Do you really need to be on the PTA? Can you get someone to assist with the family reunion? Do you really need to watch so much TV? All these questions help you identify what is important to you. If the ways you are spending your time are all more important to you than the hobby you desire, you need to realize that it is your choice to do those things instead of the hobby.

 

Removing Unneeded Connections

 

Once you have identified those things that need change in order for you to change, it is important to remove or alter the connection with those items. For instance, if you have a chair that your ex bought, you might simply decide to sell or donate the chair to remove the energy of your ex. However, you may love that chair and need it for seating. In this case, it may be more practical to do an energy clearing or to transform the chair in some way. Painting, reupholstering, or even moving the chair may help in changing the energy of the chair.

 

The most important thing, however, is to ensure that you view the chair differently. If you still think of your ex every time you sit in it, you have not yet removed the connection to your ex. It is important to release your ex and begin seeing the chair as simply your chair.

 

Likewise, you need to make room emotionally for a new person. If you are always thinking about how things were with your ex, there will be no room for anyone new. An excellent way to achieve the release of old emotions is to recognize what positive your gained from the relationship, whether the relationship was good or bad. Show gratitude for those positive things and then simply release the person. There are several ways this can be achieved and you may even have your own ritual that you would like to use to release old, unneeded emotions.

 

Building New Connections

 

Once you ensure that you have room in your life for that which you desire, it is important to start building connections toward your desired outcome. In the case of relationships, this can include taking action to go out and meet people, joining an on-line dating service, or making sure that you are in the best shape you can be. All these things start to build connections toward supporting a new relationship.

 

In the case of a new job, you might simply update your resume, start scanning the internet for job openings, and start talking to friends about your desire for a new job. These actions send messages out to the Universe allowing the Universe to assist in creating the ultimate connection that you desire.

 

If you are truly committed to change and you follow these steps, you may be surprised at what will change in your life!

 

If you need assistance making space in your life for change, contact us. We offer several services that assist with this process.

 

 

By now, probably half of the New Year’s resolutions made have been broken. The reason is simple. People make resolutions in the moment often without a lot of thought. However, they don’t truly commit to change.

 

Setting Intention

 

Failed New Year’s resolutions don’t have to be the next chapter in your story. By making a strong intention around a resolution, you can change it from something that has a very low chance of success into something that can transform your life.

 

Start by creating a strong intention statement. A good intention statement is simple, easy to remember, is strongly connected to you, contains your emotions, is in your words, and contains positive action words.

 

For example, a common resolution is to exercise more in the coming year. That is a nice statement, but is not very powerful and a high percentage of the time people will fail to meet the goal. However, transforming that statement into an intention, such as “Exercising daily invigorates me and gives me amazing energy,” tells a different story. First, it is specific. Exercising daily is very different than a resolution to exercise more than last year. Secondly, it contains action and emotional energy.

 

Connecting

 

As important as it is to make the intention strong and full of emotion, you will only succeed if the words, your goals, your actions, and your rewards are strongly connected with who you are. For instance, if your reward is that it will make someone else happy or it is because the doctor says that it is good for you, you will struggle to keep your resolution.

 

Resolutions and intentions only work if they are for you. Thus, the connection to your words, your goals, etc. are of upmost importance. Once you decide to make a change for yourself, it becomes much more doable. You can set rewards for reaching goals that relate to who you are and what you hope to achieve. If you love to read, you can reward yourself with a new e-book for reaching a goal. However, if you love to cook, you might reward yourself with a cooking class or by making a favorite recipe.

 

Expectations

 

The expectation for most resolutions is that they will fail. If you are like most people, even a statement of “It will be different this time,” will likely be accompanied, at least internally, by doubt. The reason is simple. The word resolution has become synonymous with temporary attempt to change that will end in failure. The dictionary might not define it that way, but that is how people think of resolutions.

 

Therefore, even if you are committed to a change, just the word resolution will get eye rolls from the people around you. The word intention sets a very different expectation in your mind and the minds of the people around you. Even the word “intend” or “intention” sounds stronger than “resolution.”

 

You can intend a wonderful life into existence. Amazing things can happen, you just need to be open to them and expect that they will occur!

 

Deciding to heal

 

 

By the time most people are adults they have likely encountered multiple physical, emotional, and mental struggles – a broken bone, a lost loved one, or stress over school. Most of what is experienced is temporary. Broken bones, for example, heal with time. Meanwhile, school assignments come and go, leaving a void to be filled. It is the emotional hurt that often presents the most challenges to healing.

 

Emotional trauma isn’t fleeting nor can one define how long an individual will require to heal from it. If a person doesn’t heal from grief, for example, they may suffer the rest of their lives over the loss of a parent, child, spouse, or sibling. The same is true of other types of emotional trauma, such as, a parent instilling guilt into their child in an effort to get the child to do what the parent desires.

 

Not only does emotional trauma not heal overnight, it can manifest as physical ailments. For example, some people suffer from stress headaches because they feel that they can never be good enough to meet other people’s expectations. Likewise, some people have pain in their neck and shoulders from figuratively carrying the weight of the world on their shoulder (i.e. feeling too much responsibility). Additionally, there have been some studies that correlate emotional trauma with the manifestation of illnesses, such as cancer, where the disease manifests a couple years after the person experiences trauma.

 

Making the Decision to Heal

 

There have been a number of cases where someone is diagnosed with a condition, sometimes life threatening, where the patient sets a strong intention to heal. These people may experience improvement in their health despite a dim prognosis and some may experience complete healing. Not everyone experiences miraculous healing; however, there are enough cases that show healing is possible if someone sets a true intent to heal.

 

Deciding to heal is more than a person making an implicit or explicit statement that they have decided to heal. There has to be true intent to heal that involves having the emotional desire and the belief that healing is possible coupled with taking physical actions to heal. This is true whether the condition is a physical, emotional, or mental ailment. Healing from emotional grief, for example, means that you physically return to doing some activity that you love.

 

Healing In Action

 

I personally know several people that have made an intention to heal, including myself. In my case, I had a stroke, but I simply believed I would heal. I didn’t consider any other options despite the opinions of the medical professionals. Someone else in my situation, might have just accepted the medical professionals’ opinions and given up or become depressed. However, I just ignored their prognosis and kept working to heal. Today, I am not 100% of what I was before the stroke, but I am doing far better than the doctors believed I would be.

 

In another case, an acquaintance was diagnosed with a tumor. After receiving her diagnosis, she decided to heal by using her gifts in energy healing. She was not able to completely remove the tumor. However, with her effort, the tumor shrank and moved away from critical organs, making it less risky to remove.

 

In another miraculous case, an acquaintance was nearly unable to leave her home because of multiple medical conditions. After she decided she couldn’t live that way, she started getting intuitive hints as to what to do to help her condition. She used nutrition and energy work to completely change her life. Her illness has been in remission for several years and her doctors are completely baffled.

 

Taking Shortcuts

 

In our desire to heal quickly, sometimes we attempt to take shortcuts. A person who experienced the loss of a loved one, for example, may continue their daily routines and deny the emotions they are feeling. On the surface, it may appear that the person moved quickly through the grieving process and has moved on with their life. On the inside, however, the person may be carrying around an emotional pressure cooker. A minor upset may trigger the person to explode with emotions that would seem excessive for the situation. In this case, the person did not truly heal, but simply ignored the healing process.

 

The same could be applied to physical rehab and mental health. I’m sure we all know someone who had a physical injury and returned to their activities too soon and ended up aggravating the injury. This is really what happened in the case of emotional trauma. The person returned to normal life too quickly and aggravated the trauma making it worse than it would have been had they worked through the grieving process.

 

Taking Action In Your Life

 

Survey yourself to see if there are any issues or past traumas – physical, emotional, or mental – that require healing. Recognizing there is an issue is the first step in beginning the process of true healing.

 

Now, imagine what your life would be like if you truly healed. Envision that issue completely gone from your life. If that is something that you would like to experience, you can set an intent to heal. Remember that you must have both the desire to heal and the belief that you can heal.

 

Once you are truly committed to healing, take actions for healing. Let your intuition and your heart guide you as you work toward a healthy you. With true intent and continual effort you will have the opportunity to experience a more fulfilling and joyful life.

 

Invest In Yourself

 

 Investing In Others

 

People often put others head of themselves. They see friends, family and strangers struggling financially, emotionally or in some other manner. When this comes to a person’s attention, they often jump right in to help even if it comes at a great personal cost. For instance, a family member may help a cousin that is going through surgery or illness. This is fine, if the person has the time and energy to invest. However, if they are not overly well, this additional burden may take a toll on their health.

 

Other times people observe or believe they observe something in others where they believe the other person needs to address some type of personal issue. For example, we have had numerous people that attended a class and remarked how someone they knew needed that class or an upcoming class. They proceed to attempt to get that person to attend future events. Often the person is not ready or simply not interested in making a change and the person fails to get them to attend. The person who tries to encourage them may become emotionally drained in their effort.

 

Other times, people feel driven to help people on the other side of the globe. They often donate time and money to these causes without knowing if the money and supplies will actually reach the people in need. The only way to know for sure is to participate in the delivery of services and goods, which can be quite time consuming, potentially risky, and at times expensive.

 

Knowing Your Limits

 

Helping others is a wonderful thing to do. It is important, however, for people to know their limits. Whenever possible people should match their skills, time availability, and financial situation to how they help people. For instance, I help people who are adopted find their birth families. This is something that brings them joy and for which I have skills. I would be far less efficient and far more stressed trying to build wells or homes in a third world country. Meanwhile, a carpenter might have no idea how to find a birth family. By choosing to help within one’s skills and limits, the person is helping others while also taking care of him or her self.

 

Still, there are times when a person has to simply take time for him or her self and not help others – even their friends or family. For people that say, “I can’t do that,” I remind them of the airline safety instructions. They tell you that if the oxygen masks are deployed you should secure your mask before placing a mask on someone that might need assistance. The reason, of course, is that if you can’t breathe, you can’t assist someone else.

 

The same is true in life, if a person runs out of steam and become wore down, ill, financially ruined, etc., they can’t help others. However, if they take time to invest in themselves, they have a higher chance of being healthy and vibrant. Thus, they will be in a much better position to help others.

 

Invest In You

 

Investing in oneself doesn’t require a lot of time or money. However, it should occur regularly. It can be as simple as meditating for 10 minutes per day, taking a bath and shutting out the entire world, listening to music that you really love, or reading for pleasure. If the calendar and bank account allows, it is desirable to include occasional bigger investments, such as, long hikes, energy work, classes, or retreats.

 

For people that have a difficult time investing in themselves, they need to realize that all people need some self-care. They may not feel they need it. Perhaps, they feel they don’t deserve it. Maybe they feel there are others that need it more. No matter the argument, they need to go back to the basic concept, put your oxygen mask on before assisting someone else. That tells them everything they need to know. Care of self must come first before one can care for others.

 

Do You Invest In You?

 

So, the question is “How often do you invest in yourself?” If you don’t invest in yourself regularly, consider adding some self-care to your calendar. Remember, it doesn’t have to require a lot of time or money. You do, however, need to make an effort. No one else can do it for you.

 

who is judging whom

 

In our previous article “Behind the Façade,” we discussed how people often hide their authentic self. This article will further investigate those who changed their façade based on their judgment of other people’s judgment of themselves.

 

When people become focused on how they believe others are judging them, they give away their personal power. Often the other person doesn’t even know that they have been given this power because they aren’t actually judging the person and may not have even noticed them.

 

Questions

 

When someone tells me that someone else is judging them, I typically ask a few questions. My first response generally is, “Why do you care?” In some cases, the answer to this question is obvious. However, in the case of a stranger or acquaintance who is not closely connected to the person, the answer is less clear.

 

Another question I ask is, “What made you jump to the conclusion that they are judging you?” The answer to this question is rarely satisfactory to me. It is something they perceive, but is often not tangible.

 

Who Is Doing The Judging?

 

In reality, if the other person has not directly stated a judgment, these people are judging the other person. However, I don’t believe most are aware of their own judgment.   It is in some ways a self-judgment and in other ways a judgment of the other person. It is possible that they believe they should look or act a certain way, but instead of owning it, they project it onto someone else. Alternately, they are judging the other person as someone who believes others should look and act a certain way.

 

For these people that see themselves through the eyes of others, I have to wonder how their life would change if they stopped projecting their judgment onto others.  It would clearly change. We must stay somewhat within cultural norms. Yet, at some point we need to be our true selves and not define our value on how we believe others perceive us.

 

So, when you start to believe that others are judging you then question yourself, “Are they really judging me, or am I judging them?”

 

behind the facade

 

 

As a child, my mother insisted that we keep the drapes closed at all times. I assume she was worried about protecting the family since she was a single working mother. My dad had died just after my sixth birthday. Therefore, I don’t really remember if she had a similar concern when he was alive.

 

All I know is that she never wanted anyone to see into the house. This became readily apparent one beautiful day when I dared to open the living room drapes. I was severely reprimanded as soon as my mom arrived home.

 

Of course, she also never wanted to be seen by anyone when she wasn’t looking her best. I assumed it was partially because she wanted to be attractive to men. Thus, she was always looking her best when she went anywhere.

 

Others Are Judging

 

Later, I realized that these behaviors were tied, in part, to her belief that she knew how others were judging her. Thus, she felt compelled to show people what she thought they wanted to see so that they would think highly of her. She was concerned with what others thought of her and made sure to show them what she believed they wanted to see. When she wasn’t prepared to show that image, she wanted to remain hidden.

 

I believe everyone does this to some extent.  Most of us put on our best business look for job interviews, are just a bit sweeter than normal when talking to a new love interest, and act a bit different at church than at home. However, there are those that rarely show their authentic self. Instead, they hide behind a façade of what they think people want to see. Those are the ones that are perpetually disconnected.

 

Some of those people end up feeling as if they have lost their identity. They may go through life without ever acknowledging their own value. These types of people constantly put others first and are often everyone’s go to person when they need something. Yet, these people often do not feel valued.

 

Hiding The True Self

 

Other people hide behind the façade as an escape from reality. For instance, a woman may not feel beautiful, thus, she will over-beautify herself. Similarly, a man may feel that he isn’t as good a provider as he believes he should be. In that situation, he may exaggerate his job responsibilities and income.

 

Others have, for one reason or another, come to believe that others’ views of them is critically important to their success and worth to society. These people often create judgments of themselves and attribute them to others. If they actually bothered to have a conversation and learn about other people’s perspectives, they might learn that the people that they are trying so hard to impress, don’t actually have the judgments that they believe they do.

 

Being Authentic

 

A person needs to show their authentic self in order to connect. Hiding behind facades prevents true connections.

 

In our next article “To Judge and Be Judged,” we will discuss the phenomena of people that judge they are being judged.

 

the search

 

 

In the previous article “Family Connections,” I discussed some of the reactions when people learn that one or both of the parents that raised them are not their biological parent. In this article, I explore the connections and feelings that often arise during the search for a person’s birth parents.

 

Now, rare cases exist where the person takes a DNA test and immediately finds their birth family, everyone loves each other, and they live happily ever after. However, that isn’t the norm.

 

Expectations

 

A person shouldn’t expect anything other than a rollercoaster ride when looking for a birth parent.  Emotions will go high when the person sees a DNA match. Then, they will fall through the floor when the match does not respond to messages or hides all their information. This process may repeat several times.

 

Likewise, the person searching may contact a DNA match, who puts them in contact with other family members. Just when they start building a strong connection, someone else does a DNA test and it blows a hole in the theory of who the birth parent is. Now, they are left dangling.   They feel connected, but they aren’t connected the way that they think they are. In some cases, they may not be connected at all.

 

News of a mis-connection can be almost as emotional as learning that one or both of your parents are not your biological parents. This is especially true in cases where the new connections were supportive and welcoming, while the parents that raised the person are deceased or the relationship with them is strained.

 

The Process

 

The process can be lengthy and the result is not guaranteed.   It is very easy for people to become too excited, which often scares off DNA matches. It is equally as easy for people to become frustrated, lose interest, and just give up.

 

The best possible approach is a slow, steady approach where the person makes lots of connections. This allows emotions to be more even while allowing the person to build relationships with people that are related, if only distantly. Building connections with these people helps the person learn information that is useful in solving their parentage puzzle. Possibly, more importantly, these connections help the person to feel connected to family.

 

The final article in this series “Found, Now What?” will discuss the ability to connect with birth families and the associated emotions.